Creative Writing Exercise #3

EU BREXIT SUMMIT: BRITISH HUMILIATION?

(a fictive dialogue based on a real political procedure)

by Laura Lai/ Uncategorized

Scene: A big round table with many people sitting, on the table lots of papers, glasses and water; the British Prime Minister (BPM), the President of the European Council (PEU) and the President of the European Commission (PEC)

The British Prime Minister is allowed to address the European Council. The BPM takes the floor…

BPM. Ladies and Gentlemen, first of all I would like to thank you for allowing me to address this reunion of European Heads of States and Governments. I would like to apologize that neither the UK Government nor the UK Parliament found a way out of the BREXIT deadlock.

ALL (nod arrogantly). The PEC ignores the speech and pours itself some water.

            Following different debates on how to unblock the impasse, we agreed on one issue. And that is the reason why I am here tonight. I have been given a mandate by the House of Commons to kindly ask you for another extension until the 30^th of June 2019. (BPM looks down) Thank you!

PEU (shakes its head). Which guarantee do we have that you’ll find a way out of the impasse until June the 30^th, when in May we are all busy with the electoral campaign? (Pause) And so do you.

BPM (insecure). As a matter of fact, Your Highness… please excuse me… as a matter of fact ladies and gentlemen, the government has already started negotiating with the opposition party, which is bringing lots of pro-EU arguments, such as a permanent stay in the custom unions. (Looking down, thinking). Who knows? Maybe we’ll never leave the EU… .

ALL (nod smiling).

PEU. I love British humor!

BPM (smiling). And I love the European humor, Sir!

ALL (laugh).

PEU. Yeah, sure! (Pause) Now that all the European Heads of State and Governments heard your statement, you know the procedure (the BPM nods): You will be asked to leave this room. And leave your mobile phone. We are going to have a dinner together, at which … I’m sorry to remind you, but you are not invited. You must go to the residence of the British Ambassador to the EU. And wait for us to call you.

BPM (nods). May I dare to ask… do…do you think that is going to be tonight?

PEU. When Europe will be ready to talk to you, we will call you, and you can make a statement after we make ours.

BPM. That’s right! (resigned) That’s the procedure!

BPM (stand up and walks to the door).

BPM (alone): I know this procedure. I’ve been humiliated once since BREXIT. I’m used to it, now. But I cannot stand it twice! What would Margaret [Thatcher] have done, if she was here in front of Europe?

BPM (takes its hand from the door handle, turns to the audience, walks back determined and she speaks firmly): For 46 years the United Kingdom has never delayed sending you money for the EU budget! You expect me to go out, sit and wait until you’re ready?! (Pause) You seem to forget who has paid whom all these years! (Pause) No gentlemen! I’ll be damn if I’m going to sit and wait! But I will get out of this room! And I’ll return to London tonight! When the European Union is ready, you (accentuated) look for me and give me your answer! (Pause, calmly). You’ll find me at Downing Street, at No. 10. Hoping that I made myself clear, I wish you, ladies and gentlemen, an enjoyable discussion and dinner. (She goes to the door and closes well the door behind her back)